Let me Introduce Myself
I never thought I would miss the simple act of posting on a blog. As a millennial, I was there from the beginning to the end of blogging's golden age and thought that after MySpace, blogging would be like VCRs; sure, we miss them, but do we really want them back? Well, then comes the social media era: an online hellscape where you don't have to sell your body to sell yourself, and attention-seeking is no longer cause for concern but relabeled "putting yourself out there." People still look at me weird for not wanting to engage with dopamine-inducing platforms and find it weird that I enjoy YouTube without it tracking my history, which enables the rapid, addictive high of video Shorts (thanks, TikTok).
Well, other than that, hi everyone, my name is **************, but you will come to know me as Santana Mayorga; it's my pen name, and it is very much inspired by two very important figures in my life: a teacher who recognized that the quickest way to get me to shut up is to allow me to write in my journal for more than was required, and a neighbor who realized that I was living in a domestically violent home and took a giant swing at my abusive father and proceeded to teach me how to box. My old man was still abusive but just found new ways, along with my severely mentally ill mother, to torment my siblings and me. I survived along with my siblings, and we have all built a decent life away from all that mess.
Other than the violin song of my childhood, I have always been passionate about writing and find that it is one of the few things in my life (other than marriage and parenthood) that tends to trigger all my emotions, so I gravitate to it regardless of what I have to say is pleasing to people or not. As a child, as you can imagine, I enjoyed not being seen or heard, which resulted in a lot of disappointment because, of course, if you don't speak up, no one knows what you want, am I right? As a young adult, I was brazen in my newfound voice, almost as extreme as my silence in my younger years. I spoke out; I got in people's faces with the premise of being straightforward, and, as one can imagine, I had to back that talk up at times. Whether some of those encounters worked out in my favor is for me to know and for all of you to never find out.
Alas, as I enter a new era in my life, I have blended those attitudes because they've brought me to the wonderful mess I am now. In today's world, where hyper-specialization and personal "automation" are becoming mainstream, I tend to go against the grain and dig my heels into being as analog as possible. Indeed, I have a day job just like all of you reading this because I don't have the privilege of being a resident author with a trust fund, on top of not wanting to subject my family or myself to a selfish choice of poverty, so, in a sense, I have to wear the mask and smile in the process. In reality, I love to read and dig deep into multiple subjects that interest me and, believe it or not, achieve some level of specialization in them (hyperfixation is my superpower). I have an unhealthy passion for stationery, fountain pens, and inks. I have maintained my love of boxing and discipline while adding the pleasure of archery to master for the rest of my life. I both enjoy and absolutely dread higher education. I dream of figuring out how to earn my Ph.D. without sacrificing my income or time with my family, so I can maintain a balanced lifestyle. I have severe ADHD, which I discovered 5 years ago, and boy, has it been fun unconditioning the self-talk of being annoying, the mild self-harm of pinching myself in the arm or biting my lip till it bleeds when I am word-vomiting, and, lastly, over-apologizing for it all.
As I write all of this, I am somewhat anxious but also glad it is all coming out. I only enjoy visibility when it is needed, and when it comes to my writing, the pleasure of simply putting the words out there is more than enough. I tend to write about a lot of things because, as my header has indicated, I have a lot of thoughts. I research deeply because I care about sources and knowledge, and I want to give them the respect they deserve. I find that society today is too caught up in its "truths" while the actual facts go unnoticed. I also find it annoying that we all have been subject (including me) to our personalized echo chambers on and off the internet. I find it exhausting that everything has a paywall, needs to be monetized, and that the simple act of writing has been warped into a publisher's wet dream to make a quick buck, and we are all guilty of wanting that, and we shouldn't pretend otherwise. Hence why I have come back to the wonderful world of blogging: after finally bidding goodbye to my last shitscape accounts on Substack and WordPress, I land here with the nostalgia of AOL dial-up internet, praying the debt collectors my parents pretended didn't exist would not disconnect me from reading just about anything, some of it great and some of it required moderation and a tin foil hat.
There will be days of consistency along with days of sheer silence. I try to be intentional when I share my writing, but make no mistake that I am writing often, just not in front of a screen, and most times with pen and paper. I enjoy the well-built writers deck too and will indulge in those from time to time, but for the most part my work will be in one of my many journals, large and small. I'm also somewhat picky about imagery because I like it to carry meaning, and even if it looks out of place, there is an intention behind it. I guarantee a kaleidoscope of subjects will be addressed either in a single essay or in a series of writings.
I am happy to be here and hope you enjoy, and if you don't and feel compelled to be angry, please do yourself a favor and feel your feelings because it's your life, and quite frankly, I don't give a flying rat's ass or a rolling donut.
Sweet dreams for now,
Santana Mayorga